It me :3
I’ve been taking the astrology-and-self-portrait workshop, Self in 4 Directions from Embodied Astrology, because I’d like to have more photos of myself I love, plus I’m an astrology nerd! The prompt for this image was the “IC” in an astro birth chart, or as it was explained in the workshop, the childhood experiences that compel you. For this project I chose my childhood backyard!
I grew up in Parkland, Florida in the 90's, when that area was dominated by pine flatwoods. Our yard was mostly pine trees and saw palmettos, and rich in biodiversity. Each summer the pollen from the trees would coat everything yellow, cicadas would hum, and large pinecones were something to be avoided with bare feet. My siblings and I spent our time making potions out of wild plants, climbing the large banyan tree (before it blew over in a hurricane), catching tadpoles in the ditch out back, and groaning when we had to trim and remove the dead palm fronds. My favorite place in the yard was the back corner that had been left totally wild. Woody plants crowded between the palms and the pines, concealing box turtles, rabbits and foxes. In a cleared area covered in sand and pine needles was our fire pit. We would sit around the fire on cool winter days on logs and homemade rickety stools.
I was very attached to the nature in the yard, but every so often I would come home from school to find that my parents had removed another random patch of saw palmettos. It was always a surprise and I was always upset when it happened. Looking back, it was more than just grief for the loss of the plants and familiar surroundings, but a fear that I wasn't being heard or could not be understood. In general I was a shy child and had a very quiet voice. My favorite hobbies were daydreaming, making art, reading, writing, and playing video games. I struggled to speak up, and then would try to make up for it by over-explaining all at once.
For my fellow astrology nerds, the IC is the line circled in green, conjunct Chiron in Cancer.
The IC is thought of as being something that moves you toward your MC, or your conscious, outward, visible expression or societal contribution. I feel like this childhood experience definitely moved me toward what I do now! After graduating with my degree in painting I wondered what I'd like to do as a professional, and naturally gravitated toward nature and conservation. The big feelings I had around the removal of these plants mirrored the fast-paced environmental destruction in the larger South Florida region. I transformed my struggle to convince my parents to protect the yard into a quest to help convince the region to protect local habitats and species.
This is the original photo I took of myself in front of that once wild corner, with an image of a similar habitat for reference.
The struggle to feel heard and understood was also a part of my art practice at the beginning. Visual art is very "quiet", so I was already working with a challenging medium for trying to feel heard! My early laments for the decline of species, in pieces such as Family Portraits (featuring bird portraits in frames, some blotted out) and Erased Drawings (a performance involving the erasing of animal drawings to reveal empty silhouettes) felt like shouting into a void. This was probably just due to the fact that I was an emerging artist, but for a while I really internalized that and tried lots of other things. The monthly Pine Rockland Zine (a tiny magazine) reached a wider audience, but I remember still feeling disappointed for a while (looking back I feel like it had pretty great success for what it was). I also quickly burnt out trying to be artist, writer and editor (similar to the way that I would experience burn out when I was nervously trying to overcompensate as a child).
One good thing to come from all this, is that my struggles with wanting to feel “heard” led me to have a real interest in language and scientific illustration. I love learning about relationship psychology, communication, collaboration, and local native species. It might have its origins in an uncomfortable childhood feeling, but it eventually transformed into a passion and skill for hearing others and advocating for the unassuming local plants and animals. And, instead of over-doing it by wearing all the hats, I realized I could collaborate with others to create educational materials things. I would focus on painting, while others would take on other parts of the project.
Some of the paintings used in the creation of this piece!:
Check out the other portraits from this series:
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